The End in Sight?

It is probably too early to be thinking about the end, but I can't help it.

Lately, I think a lot about finishing this second cycle of treatment, going for my second PET scan next week, and having Dr. Sanz say, "It was nice working with you. Hopefully we won't have to work together again." I think about skipping radiation therapy altogether. It's an elaborate fantasy, but one that I can't stop having.

I have been a good patient. I have stayed positive. I have promptly attended all of my appointments and treatments. I have tried to see this as a small set-back in a life that will survive many more years and better times. But to tell you the truth, all the positivity and hype over things I had never planned on doing are wearing me out. I'm bored of feeling tired; I hate feeling out of control-- like my doctor's and nurses are planning my life for me; It's embarassing having chemobrain when I am supposed to be a graduate student of politics; And I have had enough instantaneous emotional break downs. I'm ready to recover already.

So, since I can see the end in sight in my fantasy (regardless of how far away it might really be) I've been reading about relapse rates. I'm trying to figure out my odds... the odds that I have done my time as a cancer patient. Although I was unlucky enough to develop a disease that aflicts only a few thousand women each year, I would like to be lucky enough to not have to go through it again.

It looks like about 30% of Hodgkin's Lymphoma patients experience a relapse within 10 years. This is good news for my immediate future. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that my life will be never be the same as it was before I had cancer. For the rest of my life, no matter how healthy I am, I will always be at a higher risk for other types of cancer. Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, leukemia, melanoma, stomach and lung cancers, and breast and uterine cancers tend to occur after 20-30 years of a patient's Hodgkin's recovery. The risk of developing a second type of cancer is higher in younger people (like me) who also have radiation therapy and will probably happen sometime when I am reaching the age of 55.

So, life isn't all gumdrops and lollipops and probably won't ever seem that way ever again, like it did when I was kid swimming carelessly in Kingston Lake. And I can't really worry about what life is going to be like when I'm 35 or 55. All I can do now is show up on time for my PET scan next week, hope for the best, and carry on my life at age 24 in the best possible way.


Relapse Rate Article on ABOUT.COM