The Joys of Radiation

Over a week ago, I went to my "mapping appointment" at Brigham & Women's. I went alone. Considering all the research and weighing of options I had to do, mostly on my own... and the final decision, which I made on my own... I figured... why the hell not. Plus, it was easier not having to worry about anyone else.

In an examination room, one of Dr. Mauch's (you'll see he's a very popular guy and gets many other people to do most of his work for him... which makes him slightly mysterious) residents goes over all of the many dangerous potential short and long term side effects of exposing your fragile body to radiation. While he's explaining all of this, most of which I already know, I think about backing out of the whole ordeal. Saying, "Thanks, but no thanks! Why would I want to do that to myself? You've got to be kidding." And then he says something I probably will never forget: We are not worried about the potential for secondary cancers. We are concerned with curing the cancer you already have. Which I am already cured of, thank you very much, with 2 clean scans under my belt. Now, he probably didn't mean it in the way that I took it... but I still didn't think it was a very good thing to say. Of course, he's a radiologist... so that's all he should care about... radiating my cancer... it's not as though he is my primary care physician who's job it is to care about me past, present, and future?

And there's another reason added to list of why I don't like doctors very much.

At this appointment I get to do one of my favorite things... wear a johnny. CRINGE! Worst invention ever.

In my stylish hospital wear, I'm sent to another waiting room, the size of a handicapped bathroom. Literally. I'm sitting there alone... in my blue johnny with a black and white knit cap with a skull and crossbones... classy... when 2 other women walk and in and sit down. I think they must be Italian because they talk a lot. Or maybe they are just nervous... but they are gossiping at light speed. Which is good for me because it fills the air with something other than stale smells and my instinct screaming at me to run from these self-absorbed, maniacal, radiation-wielding geniuses!

One of the ladies offers me a clementine... and sadly I decline.

When they call me, I take my position laying on a hard table. They take a bunch of x-rays, line me up, move my hips, my shoulders, align my neck. There's beeping and hands pulling me this way and that. It was exciting. Just like getting ready to have my insides removed and replaced with robot parts- hey, why not?

I might as well have been on an alien spaceship getting ready for a probe because then they tattooed me. I've always wanted to get a tattoo... and I'm pretty disappointed that I waited this long to get one. Now, my first tattoo is a geometric constellation of blue pin-prick sized dots on my chest. Unattractive and yet functional! They'll use these dots to line my body up with lasers inside the radiation machine... in other words, it's so that they don't miss.

After the tattoos I think they probably take some more pictures and align them with images from my first scan when the mass in my chest was bigger than 9cms. Then I'm sent to a changing room to remove my johnny. Finally! I shed the faded, paper-thin robe and slip into something more... comfortable.

Then I'm given a tour of the facility by one of Dr. Mach's nurse practitioners and a student. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever see the man himself. The tour is short-lived. This is where you change into a johnny everyday (great), this is where you wait in your johnny to be called into the radiation room (great), and this is where you scan your id card (johnny optional) and this is the nurses station in case you have any questions during your visit. Do you have any questions?

We all go into yet another examination room where the nurse practitioner in her pretty purple glasses that almost look like goggles (or a splatter shield) tells me all about what to expect on a daily basis. Siiiigh. I keep forgetting what I've gotten myself into. Good thing there's always some nurse or resident or secretary to remind me! The nurse gives me a packet full of information and phone numbers in case of this... or that... or the other thing. And then she gives me a bunch of lotions and oral rinses... which I am totally stoked about taking home with me. NO. This is for if you develop a burn on your skin from the radiation... swallow this 4 times a day if you start to get a sore throat because the radiation is damaging your esophagus... and call us if you're experiencing anything abnormal that we haven't discussed today.

This is all very frustrating since this treatment is supposed to helping... and so far, that's not the gist I'm getting today.


The she leaves and I wait at least a half hour before Dr. Mauch himself graces me with his presence. He doesn't have much to say except "Don't worry" and "Everything looks in order" and "We'll proceed next week" and "You'll have 17 treatments" and "See you next week."

Yea. I guess. See you next week.